It's been so long!

I don't really think that anyone reads this, so I question why I write. But is it that I want others to read it or is it that I need to vent about how much I love/hate my job? Doesn't matter.

It's been a long time since my last entry, and so many things have happened. I just re-read about my day at Salish Ponds and it makes me laugh. It's been so much worse than that.

Floyd Light Middle School:
It was 6th grade. I hate them. I have pretty much refused to go back to that school for any reason. There was just so much wrong with it. The students were HORRIBLE. Of course not all of them, but so many of them. Many more than the ones that were not. At one point I just started writing on the board a train of thought that went something like, "Why are these students so incredibly disrespectful? I don't really know what I did, I just know that I will never come back to this school." The students pretty much thought I was crazy, and they were not far off as I felt pretty insane by the end of the day. Those bastards made me cry. I got 'I'm Sorry' notes from a few of the good students, apologizing for the behavior of the others in class.

Yeah, it was bad.

I sent them to the office. Again and again and again. One smart-ass girl, when I asked her why she wasn't behaving, told me that she had ADHD. "What's that got to do with me," I asked her. I mean, really. How does ADHD give you an excuse to be a rude little bitch? Is this what we as a society have turned into? Label bad parenting and bad behavior with some crap diagnosis just to give people an excuse/crutch to behave however they feel? It's fucked.

The good students kept telling me about how detention is punishment for bad behavior. Eventually I asked the class as a whole, how many students have ever had detention. About 25 out of 30 raised their hands. Most of them said they had been in detention multiple times. When I asked them if this deterred them from behaving badly, they replied with a resounding NO. Duh.

Sumpin' ain't right in that school, and until it gets fixed, I ain't goin back.

I suppose that is ONE good thing about subbing. At least I know I don't want to work there.

Don't be a douche

To all "regular" teachers out there--- Don't be a douche. Don't look at my substitute ID tag and quickly look away. Don't avert your eyes from me when I am walking down the unfamiliar hallway, clearly wondering where the cafeteria/bathrooms/gymnasium might be. Don't respond to my inquiries about procedures/rules/children with a "harumph" and incomplete answer.

In short, don't be a douche. I don't want to be there either, but the least you can do is help a girl out. That is what I am there to do. Help y'all out. Someday it could be you. And if I am lucky enough to be able to sub for you one day, remember- those kids and that room will be mine for a day. A lot of damage can be done in that short amount of time.

And to those of you that work in the classroom's as assistants of varying capacity- I am sorry that you don't make as much money as I do, and that you think you could probably do a better job because you are familiar to the kids and you know the rules and procedures, but I went to school. I am not saying I am better, I'm saying that I paid for this job, and I am waiting for it to pay me back. So as you sit there, cutting out construction paper letters and your special needs kid is on the other side of the room hitting himself over the head with a copy of Green Eggs and Ham, remember- I am in debt and you probably aren't, so quit being a lazy slob and do your job. Oh- and acknowledge that I am in the room.

Maybe no one looks at me because I am so awesome, or hot. Yeah- it's because I am hot.

Here I go again on my own

I have another half-day job today. A Title 1 school that is K-6, and I am not sure what grade(s) I will be teaching. I am also not sure exactly how I am going to approach this one. I think I have decided to be mean. It takes more energy at first, but in the long run it may be worth it.

I am trying to stay positive (finally) these days, however, for the sake of my life outside of subbing. I fear that I may have done some irreversible damage to my relationship over the course of the last month or so. My overwhelming sad/bitchiness about being unemployed was at times unleashed on my mostly innocent partner, J. He has done a pretty good job at being understanding and supportive. He's always trying to get me to look at the bright side, but sometimes it's next to impossible for me to see it. I have been doing good and feeling better for the last few days and don't expect it to be quite so bad again, so I hope J can forgive me. He's an amazingly understanding person, so I have faith.

Evil and Small

Day two was so much worse than day one. In fact, it made me appreciate just how well the first day went. This time it was fifth graders. The suburban school of Salish Ponds- located underneath those epically large power lines that buzz and chirp quite loudly. I wonder if this had any impact on these children and their state of mind.

I thought it wouldn't be so bad. They were all wearing uniforms! Man, I love a public school with uniforms. These children were wild. They wouldn't quit. Up, down, in my face, to the bathroom, over here, throwing stuff, passing notes, just not shutting up. I tried the bag of tricks they pounded into my head all through grad school- Wait Time, Gimmie Five, keeping them late for lunch, keeping them late from PE, sending two kids to the office didn't even scare the rest of them. And I was only there for 4 hours.

I was told to do reading time, a math lesson and a science video. No biggie. They did just fine through the reading time and science video, but math- forget it. We made it through homework correction and a quick pre-test, but that was it. I gave them their homework, but there was no time for explanation. I had an hour for this and couldn't do it. They were crazy.

More than anything I feel that I not only failed the teacher that left me in charge, but I also failed the children that were actually doing what they were told. "Tammy Tattle Tale" can be a substitutes best friend. She knows all the rules, wants to be your best buddy, tells the other kids to be quiet, and makes lists of who was bad/good. She can also be disruptive because she always tells you, "well our regular teacher does it like..." and then proceeds to tell you how you are doing things wrong. She has empathy though, and the look in her eyes is one of pity. It's a sad day when a 10 year old has pity for you.

It's so hard to go from one room to another because you just don't know what to expect. I struggle over how I should tackle each day. Should I be a hard-ass or just let them do whatever the hell they want- just so I don't have to get into a power struggle? The eternal question.

Just what I thought

As of yesterday I am officially a substitute teacher. T'was my first day on the job, and it was exactly what I thought it would be like. Memories of student teaching came flooding back. In a room full of kids that aren't used to how you look, act, sound- I just can't stand it. THIS is not what teaching is supposed to be, or at least that's what I think. You see, I wouldn't know- I've never been a real teacher.

What I have been lately is a real bitch. I've been a moody, whiny, drunk, bored, bad friend and girlfriend. I mistakenly assumed that with my age, experience, education, and winning personality, I would have gotten a teaching job fresh after graduation. HA! Thought wrong, I did (Yoda voice). Those Barbie bitches- fresh outta college, never lived on their own, never truly wanted for anything, daddy's girls got jobs. Damn I am whining again, and here I am- broke, bitter, and applying for substitute positions.

There was nothing incredibly wrong with the job I did yesterday. The kids were fine, I was fine, the school was fine, the lessons were fine, but it wasn't mine. That's all I truly want- a room that was mine.